It's that time again.
The two weeks where I cart around a pack of paper and a pen with me and I write down everything I eat, every blood sugar reading, every basal adjustment, every site change and all my exercise. In a few weeks I'm heading back to the Diabetes Centre from another appointment with my doctor.
I don't really mind keeping a log for two weeks.
I like doing it because it forces me to document things and then look at the patterns that may, or may not, emerge.
I like doing it because I don't wear a CGM (not an option in Canada yet) so it's hard to spot patterns unless they are staring me in the face. And unless I write them down, they don't stare me in the face.
I like doing it because it keeps me accountable and it makes me second guess what I eat. It's easier to turn down a handful of swedish berries if I know I have to write them down.
I hate doing it because I feel the need to justify every high and low I write down. I write extra notes to explain why I'm high or low. I plan my response to the questions I know I am going to be asked. I force down the feelings of guilt that, irrational as they are, bubble to the surface.
Diabetes isn't like high school math - despite the fact that numbers are involved in both. In high school, if I studied hard enough, I could sometimes pull off 100% on a math test. Or close to it anyway. If I didn't do well on a test, there weren't too many excuses to fall back on other than 'I should have worked harder'.
Diabetes isn't like that.
No matter how hard you work, you will NEVER get 100% on the test.
You will always mess up. You will bolus too much or not enough sometimes. You will always have highs or lows that don't make sense. You will always have highs or lows that are entirely preventable yet they happen anyway.
When I am just living my life, it's pretty easy to treat, correct and move on.
When I am documenting my life for two weeks, it feels a little more like I keep failing my math tests.