I'm not afraid of flying.
I'm not afraid of spiders - unless getting the heebie-jeebies counts as being afraid.
I'm not afraid to go running alone in the morning before the sun rises.
I'm not afraid of standing up to make a speech and realizing that I forgot to put my pants on.
I am afraid every time I set foot in an elevator. Just for a second as the doors close. I always wonder if I have enough food, water and insulin with me to keep myself alive if I get stuck in there for a few days.
I am afraid to bolus before driving, no matter how much it makes sense to do so. For example: on mornings when I'm high after a swim. Ideally I should take my breakfast bolus and give it a 15 minute head start. That means bolusing, getting in the car, driving the ten minutes home, and then eating breakfast. But I never ever do that. Why? Because I'm afraid. What if that's the morning I get into an accident? What if I'm knocked out, my sugar drops and no one around knows what's happening?
I am afraid of ending up in the hospital for one reason or another and having my pump removed because the medical team feels that using a sliding scale makes things easier to manage.
I am afraid, down the road, of no longer being able to manage my own care and having to rely on others to recognize that I'm high or low and deal with it properly.
I am not afraid of public speaking.
I am not afraid of traveling halfway around the planet by myself.
I am not afraid to be home alone at night.
I am afraid of being kidnapped and having no hope of survival because I only have a day of insulin left in my pump.
I am afraid of being caught in a natural disaster and not being able to get insulin.
I am not afraid of the things that many people are afraid of.
Because I face the scary realities of diabetes every single day. And that has made me much braver than I have any business being.
So I trade one set of fears for another. All of my fears now involve highs and lows and the inability to fix them.
Pretty messed up isn't it?