Love: An Interview

Perhaps it's because it's February, the month where we find ourselves surrounded by chocolate hearts, commercials for diamond rings and cupid cards, but in the last week alone there have been several blogs written by DOC members that talk about relationships...and the role diabetes plays (or does not play) in a new relationship.

Scully wrote last week about the challenges of dating someone new, about their lack of diabetes knowledge and about being honest with how well (or not so well) we are managing everything.

Kelly at Diabetesaliciousness wrote about the impact diabetes had on a past relationship.

Finally, Abby wrote a guest post at Six Until Me that talked about her fears re diabetes disclosure and how hard it is to 'come out' about diabetes.

Reading everyone's story got me thinking about my own relationship journey.

Just to give you a bit of background: I have been in three long term relationships in my life.  I was diagnosed with diabetes while I was in the first relationship.  The second one started off while I was on multiple daily injections and then I switched to the insulin pump.  In my current relationship with Doug I have been on the insulin pump the entire time.

From my perspective, as the pancreatically-challenged half of the relationship, I never put much thought into what impact diabetes would have.  Perhaps I'm naive or perhaps I only pick really understanding people but I just never figured it would be a huge issue.  Doug and I started out as friends and he knew I had diabetes and wore a pump.  But he didn't know much about it beyond that.  I figured I'd have to show him how the pump was attached to me, reassure him that, if he accidentally pulled it out, I'd be ok and tell him what the numbers on the glucometer meant.  Of course there would be a learning curve but I never felt it would have any real impact on our relationship, on what he thought of me or on whether or not he'd stay with me for the long haul.

All the blogs last week really got me thinking - what about the other half of the relationship?  Doug seemed to take it all in stride but I never really asked him how he felt about my diabetes before.

So I interviewed him.  He was puttering around the kitchen making lunch after his run and I peppered him with questions.  Being a good sport, he answered them all.

"When you and I were starting out, did you spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about what it meant to have a girlfriend with diabetes?"

No.  Everyone brings baggage to a relationship.  You and I both had stuff we had to overcome.  You didn't seem to worry too much about my stuff, and I didn't worry about yours.  I knew you had diabetes and I had seen you pricking your finger before races.  I didn't know much about it but it didn't seem to slow you down.

"What about the fact that I can't always do what I want, when I want?  Or the fact that I might have complications later in life?  Did you worry about that?"

No.  Sometimes you have to stop what you're doing to deal with a low blood sugar. I've learned to offer help when you need it and then sit back as you say "I can do it myself" (For the record - I can be a wee bit stubborn).  And yes, there could be complications down the road but I could also develop health issues. There's no guarantee with anything in life so why worry about it?  Let's just take care of ourselves the best we can and deal with things as they arise.

"What about the insulin pump?  Do you find it annoying that I have to be hooked up to something all the time?"

No.  When we went to that diabetes seminar in Toronto last year I couldn't believe how worried people seemed to be about the pump and whether it would affect their sex life.  I don't even notice it.  I've never gotten tangled up in it in the middle of the night and it's never in the way.  It's just part of who you are.

"What about understanding all the ups and downs of diabetes?  Did you find that hard?"

No.  You're really independent and you take care of 99% of it by yourself.  I'm constantly offering to help and occasionally you actually let me.  Otherwise, I just hang out and let you know I'm there if you need anything.  I'll hug you when you need to cry and get you juice when you ask for it.

"Do you have any words of wisdom for people who are starting a relationship with someone who has diabetes?"

Don't worry about it.  If you find someone attractive, if you find them sexy, if you like how they think and if they make you happy - you won't even notice the diabetes.  It's just part of the package.

"Anything else?"

It's nice to know you always have fruit chews in your purse and I can always count on you to give me the purple ones.

end of interview

Perhaps I'm have Pollyanna syndrome but I really think people worry too much about what others are going to think.  We can make diabetes a big deal and it will become a big deal.  We can make it part of our daily routine and, while it won't always behave, it doesn't have to limit you.

My advice for d-folks entering a new relationship?

• teach the person the basics (1.8 = need sugar and 23 = need insulin) but don't get mad when they don't remember or don't get something.  We live with diabetes 100% of the time - they don't and hopefully never will.  They can't possibly understand all the things we need to think about before we head out the door for a run. 
• let them help you but always be prepared to help yourself
• keep them posted on how you're doing (mentally and physically) but keep diabetes at the periphery.  If it becomes 90% of your relationship, you'll both go crazy. 
• bring more candy than you need so you can share.  Get stuff they like too.
• don't make the pump a big deal.  You can have a very happy sex life while remaining 100% tethered.

I think we worry way too much about how people are going to respond. Sure some people won't be able or willing to handle life with a diabetic but I'm willing to bet that for every one of those there are 100 fabulous folks out there who won't bat an eye.

You are more than your diabetes.

A Photo Contest and a Little Bit of Love

The Region of Niagara has been recognized as a 2012 Cultural Capital of Canada.  Yay us.

During this year long celebration there will be a wide variety of events and projects going on to highlight our area.  One of these is a textile art project.  A call went out across Niagara looking for photographs that highlight the rich textures and natural beauty of the Niagara Region.  Chosen photos will be used as the design inspiration of the collaborative textile and mixed media art project.

Now, I don't pretend to know what all of that means or what the final product might look like.  I just got all excited at the idea of submitting photos of Niagara and perhaps having one of them chosen to be part of the final product.

We are allowed to submit five photos and the submission date is February 15th.  My original plan was to hunt through my existing photos for a few good specimens and then ask my friend Breanne (hi Breanne!) if she wanted to go on a photo date to see if we could snap a few winning shots.  Sadly, as the weekend approached, I felt myself getting sicker and sicker. I was forced to toss my photoshoot plan out the window (sorry Breanne).

Instead, I sat in front of my laptop on Sunday afternoon with my box of tissues and my Halls and I went through my photos looking for five to submit.

I was looking for photos that highlighted the beauty of Niagara (either on a grand scale or on a macro one) and photos that had texture of some kind (I figured they'd be looking for that).  On top of that they had to be photos that I loved.  I settled on five (three that were taken in the last year and two that are several years old but are my favourites).

Photo contests are always tricky because everyone has a different idea of what makes a winning photo.  So, here are my submissions for your review.  Let's see if any of them make the cut eh?

This photo (and the one below) were taken last May.  It was freezing cold and ridiculously rainy outside but Doug and I really wanted to capture the spring trees in full blossom.  So we bundled up, put raincoats on our cameras and headed out into the storm.  

This is a purple coneflower, one of my favourite flowers.  I remember perching beside a flower bed and trying to snap a photo as the flowers were buffeted by a strong breeze.  After multiple attempts I finally got one in focus and was thrilled with how it turned out .

Last spring, when it was still snowy and grey outside, Doug bought some irises at the market to brighten up the house.  I decided to do a little photoshoot but wasn't having much luck photographing the flowers.  So I tilted my camera down a bit and discovered the beautiful curves of the vase. 

I used to live near Port Dalhousie.  One night I happened to look out my apartment window to see a particularly spectacular sky.  I grabbed my camera and drove like mad to get to the pier.  It was windy and unwelcoming out there and the only people crazy enough to venture out were photographers.  

This was not one of the photos I submitted but I love it.  Doug took it when we were out on the freezing cold May afternoon together.  I think the look on my face captures the joy in our relationship.  The world is a much happier place when we are together and even the worst days are made better when he is there. 

Happy Valentines Day baby.

A Love Story

I started writing Running on Carbs back in January - kind of on a whim.

One early January morning, I was checking email at work and I received an email from another agency that encouraged me to read David Hingsburger's blog.  I had heard of Dave but had never read his blog.  Until that day I had, to be honest, never read anyone's blog.  I clicked on the link, read, was inspired and started thinking...

I like to write.

I have lots of things in my life that would provide some writing inspiration.

Why the hell not?

Dave was on Blogger so I copied him and signed up. I picked a standard template (remember the red?), created a tagline and Running on Carbs was born.

The whole process probably took less than an hour.

When I started, I figured I would write mostly about diabetes and running because those were two things that were pretty significant in my life.  They were also topics that allowed me to share a lot of thoughts and struggles without delving too much into my personal life.  Because, believe it or not, I'm a pretty private person.

I choose carefully who I share things with and I keep my cards close to my chest.  I have a public side and a private side.  And they don't often meet.

I am also conscious about sharing information about other people.  I could write all sorts of blogs about what happens at home but that would be completely disrespectful to Doug who is also a very private person.  So I write about things that are fairly benign and I respect, as much as I can, his privacy too.

How's that for a long winded introduction to today's blog?

Today's blog is about a wedding.

My sister's wedding to be exact.

The middle sister is supposed to be rebellious, adventurous, courageous, and independent.  She is all of those.  She is also beautiful, talented, hilarious, strong, vulnerable and wonderful in more ways than I can possibly describe.

She has had quite the journey in her 33 years.  Her journey to find happiness and love has not been an easy one. She has travelled the world, learned several foreign languages, studied in schools across Canada and the world, tried more scary foods than most of us will ever try and filled her passports with more stamps than I can count.

She is an adventurer - full of passion, independence, love, kindness, talent and strength.  And she is also an emotional woman who needed to find someone who could love her independence and stubborn streak while also nurturing her gentle heart, encouraging her endeavours, and supporting her when she needs support.

Finding someone to fill those shoes has taken her all over the world and it ended, eventually, in Israel.

It was quite a journey but she found him.

And, in a few short weeks, she will marry the love of her life.

Folks, I have watched a lot of movies in my time and have read a lot of books.  Love stories are everywhere and many of them melt our hearts, inspire us and have us leaving the theatre with tears in our eyes.

My sister has lived that love story.  Tears have been shed, hearts have been stretched, broken, and healed again.  I watched her struggle, hope, despair, hope again and finally, love.

Two people, from different countries, cultures, customs have found each other.  It has not been easy but they made it work.  Not only did they make it work - they taught us all that love really can conquer everything.

She comes home this weekend.  He arrives a week later.  His family arrives a few days afterwards.

And then, in front of everyone who loves them almost more than they can bear, they will marry.

I will stand behind her.  Her proud older sister with tears in her eyes.

Love is different for everyone.  It is often private.  It is often personal.

But sometimes it inspires the world.

Day 5: Awesome Things

Awesome things about diabetes? That’s easy.

Diabetes motivates me to take care of myself even when I’d rather curl up in bed with a pile of cookies and a bottle of wine. It’s like having my very own personal trainer. On cold, dark mornings it stands at the foot of the bed and barks at me to get my lazy ass up and go for a run. It hovers by the cookies I just baked and doles out one or two but then stands there with arms crossed glaring at me if I reach for a third. It motivates me to keep my diet healthy, my weight stable, my activity level high and my stress level low. You can’t buy that kind of discipline.

Diabetes reminds me every day how lucky I am. Because of diabetes I live life to the fullest, love people with all my heart and don’t put up with things that piss me off. I have learned the hard way that life can change in an instant. Things I once thought were important became completely unnecessary and things I didn’t think I cared for became incredibly significant. Diabetes keeps things in perspective.

Diabetes taught me how strong and brave I can be. I was handed a life sentence on November 1st 2002. I have a chronic disease that will most likely shorten my life and quite possibly cause all sorts of nasty damage on the way despite my best efforts to keep it under control. It would be so easy to curl up and let fear take over my life. Instead, I face my fears every single day. I face them every time I run. Every time I cycle. Every time I go to bed. Every time I walk into one of my countless medical appointments hoping that this won’t be the appointment when I’m told I’m developing ‘complications’. That strength and bravery has spilled over into all parts of my life and made me better for it. I have become one tough chick thanks to Diabetes.

Because of Diabetes, I learned to run and have completed 6 half marathons and one 30k race. I bought a road bike, learned to ride and have completed two duathlons. I bought a camera and learned how to take pretty good pictures. I learned to say yes to things that scare me and, as a result, have photographed weddings, pro golf tournaments, the Cancer Society’s Relay for Life and all sorts of community events.

Diabetes has been a hugely positive force in my life – because I deliberately chose to make it a positive force. There is no telling where it will take me next. And yes, at the end of the day, it might be Diabetes that does me in. But in the meantime, it helps make my life rich and full of love and adventure.

Health, Life, Love and Food

Every day is an experience.

My nature is a little Pollyanna-esque.  Actually, it's very Pollyanna with a little dash of practicality, a pinch of whimsy and a dollop of twisted thrown in for fun.

The always look on the bright side of me really does see every day as a new adventure and an opportunity to experience as much as possible.

Today was a celebration of health, life, love and food.

It started off as most Sundays do with an early morning bike ride through Niagara.  Today, eight of us showed up and we had a great ride (minus the funnel bugs that kept getting stuck in my eyelashes and lipbalm. Disgusting beyond belief.  On our ride, we saw all sorts of uprooted trees and I learned after last Thursday to never ever plant blue spruce.  For those of you who don't know, last Thursday we were hit with a terrible windstorm that ripped a roof off of a school, uprooted hundreds of trees, tore the huge letter A off the casino sign in Niagara Falls and shut down the Queenston Lewinston bridge for the first time in history.  The wreckage is everywhere and shocking to see.  It looks like a war zone in some places. And I learned from this experience that the root systems of blue spruces spread out rather than down so it doesn't take much to topple them.

Don't plant them!

The ride itself was great - just a little faster than comfortable but I pushed hard and kept up the pace the whole time.  The blood sugar gods cooperated as well - always an added bonus. After our bike ride, we rushed home to watch the Ridley College students march right past our door - in full uniform complete with marching band.  Not sure I would have wanted to do that at 13 but it was fun to see.  Especially the poor kids with no rhythm who couldn't seem to march to the beat.

This afternoon, we were volunteers at the annual Hike for Hospice.  Hospice is a wonderful place that offers end of life care for residents of Niagara.  In a place that you would expect to be full of pain and sorrow is a hidden world full of love and life.  Tears flow of course but so does love.  I had the honour of photographing the event and spent the afternoon trying to capture the day without intruding on private moments.

The new Food and Drink magazine came out this week and, as usual, it's chock full of recipes just begging to be tried.  So Japanese Chicken Curry was tonight's culinary adventure.  Pretty tasty and the house smells like a gourmet restaurant. The best part about it was that I learned how to make real curry.  Mixing about 10 different spices together to produce a delicious curry powder is pretty cool considering that, until tonight, I used to just buy premixed curry.  Even the mortar and pestle were put to use.

Health, life, love and food.

Another good day in my books.

Can You Read My Mind?

So apparently I'm not a mind reader.

Despite the fact that I like to think I'm pretty good at it.

Here's what I do. I look at all the facts and the signs.  I add to that the facial expressions and the body language.  I subtract past experience and personal knowledge and I come up with a very nicely packaged interpretation of what is going on.

Not surprisingly, I'm often way off base.

The problem is that, the closer I get to someone, the more assumptions I make.  With someone I don't know very well, I'm quite comfortable asking what they're thinking, asking for clarification and asking for confirmation.  As I get to know a person more, I begin to take that knowledge for granted and just assume that I know what they're feeling and thinking.

That can be very dangerous.

What goes hand in hand with that, of course, is that the closer I get to someone, the more I assume that they can read my mind too.  I assume that my subtle hints are clear instructions and my gentle looks are an obvious roadmap to what I'm thinking.

Again, very dangerous.

Sometimes it's funny.  Misunderstandings can breed hilarity.  They can also breed frustration.  It depends on the end result and everyone's mood that day.

I guess what I need to do is to learn to be ok with not knowing.  To be ok with asking someone what they meant by their words or their actions.  Because being a good listener, daughter, friend and partner is not about being able to read minds.  It's about showing how much you care by taking the time to really discover what that person is thinking and feeling.

Waxing Philosophical

I don't often know what I'm going to blog about until I actually open the 'new post' window.  Then I sit for a second and something from the last day or so pops into my head, asking very clearly to be written about. 

Today's topic: what happens to love when the harsh light of reality shines down on it?

This is probably a good time to clearly state that this question is not one that I am personally struggling with.  I am quite warm and happy in my little cocoon of love thank you very much so, please, nobody panic!

The love/reality question came up during a wonderful dinner last night with a really good friend.  One of those dinners where the wine and conversation flow and the things that were talked about are still reverberating in my head the next day.

So, back to love and reality.

First there is love.  That connection that happens with another person that sets them apart from everyone else.  It's physical, it's emotional, it's visceral. 

Exciting

Comforting

You just want to be with the other person. All the time.  No matter what.  Consequences be damned!

Then...reality comes marching in.

What if they live in another city?  Another country? 

What if they live with another person? Are married to someone else? Are someone of a different colour, age, gender or religion than society expects you to be with?  Make tons more money than you?  Make way less than you?  Want kids but you don't?

I could go on.

Many of these challenges are really only little stepping stones that you can both hop along together.  Negotiating them helps make the relationship stronger as you learn to communicate and negotiate. 

Other challenges are....well, they're challenges.  Overcoming these challenges will be life-changing for everyone involved.  It will take time and effort and the end results are not guaranteed. 

What do you do?  Do you wait for the other person?  If so, for how long?  Do you defy society and proclaim your love despite the reactions that may cause?  Do you move to be with them? Give up your dream of having children? 

With every decision, compromise and change - will the love you share grow stronger or will it begin to crumble?

I find topics like this fascinating to discuss...unless I'm actually living them. Then it's agonizing because there are no answers.  Loving someone means taking a risk.  Opening yourself up means taking a risk.  Waiting for someone, moving in with someone, having children with someone are all risks.  The rewards might be wonderful but there is no guarantee. 

When it works - it's beautiful. 

When it doesn't - it's heartbreaking.

And that, my friends, is love.

My Heart's Intuition

When a part of us doesn't work quite right, that's the part we focus on. 

I am acutely aware of my pancreas and its challenges and, as a result, often forget all the other parts of the elegant system called my body. 

Today, I'm taking a break from my pancreas to focus on my heart.  I do a lot to take care of my heart.  It gets regular workouts and a healthy diet.  In turn, it rewards me with low blood pressure and a strong and steady pulse. We're a good team.

My heart also has a mind of its own and is quite intuitive. It knows what it wants and I've learned from experience that it's best to follow it. I'm the first to admit that the roads it has taken me down have been unorthodox and untraditional.  The journey has challenged me, sometimes frightened me, and often surprised me.  But it's our journey, my heart's and mine.

My heart has led me to a quiet, unassuming man. It saw something there and just knew. I was helplessly carried along for the ride.

It led me to someone who shares my love of health and fitness.  Someone who loves to experiment in the kitchen and who brings fresh flowers home every week. Someone creative, romantic, spontaneous, funny, comforting and inspiring.

Most importantly, someone who is there at 3am when my sugar drops and who is willing to leave a warm bed to get me a glass of chocolate milk.  Someone willing to learn what diabetes really is, understand the challenges and the risks, and love me anyway.  Someone who sees my insulin pump as a friend rather than an annoyance.

Life is a journey made up of conscious choices, random chances and a wee bit of luck thrown in. My heart has led me to where I am today and I am very grateful for the man who has chosen to walk down the road with me.