D-Blog Week Day 6 - Favourites and Motivations

Today we were encouraged to go back into our blogging past and re-post something that we have written. A favourite sentence or blog post. Well, after years of blogging, I still think that the post I'm reposting today is my favourite. If you missed it the first time, enjoy.

Diabetes - What it's Like on the Inside

It's always the same and yet it's always different.

Sometimes it starts with a dry throat and a gentle headache right between my eyes. The kind that makes me squint a bit and brings out those frown lines that I get when I'm thinking hard about something.

Sometimes it starts with a yawn. And then another one. And then another one. I usually start slouching in my chair a bit or get up to make some tea in an effort to wake up.

Sometimes my elbows start to feel a little less bendy. Like the fluid in my joints is starting to solidify.

Sometimes I get a funny taste in my mouth.

Sometimes the symptoms stop there. Sometimes they get worse and my dry throat becomes a crushing thirst, my gentle headache starts to pound, my yawns flow into each other and my joints all begin to join the stiffening chorus. Sometimes my hands start to ache.

Sometimes I clue in quickly. Other times I don't.

I always clue in eventually and grab my glucometer - knowing I'm going to see 16+ on the screen.

Sometimes my lips and tongue start to tingle just a bit. The way they feel when the freezing is coming out after a trip to the dentist.

Sometimes my heart starts beating a little faster and feels like a fluttering bird in my chest.

Sometimes I start to yawn. And yawn. And yawn. I go make a cup of green tea in an effort to wake up a bit.

Sometimes my limbs start to feel light, like gravity was turned down a notch. I become a little more awkward and clumsy than usual.

Sometimes little things annoy me. Things that didn't annoy me even a minute before and things that don't normally annoy me...ever.

Sometimes I clue in quickly. Sometimes I don't.

When I don't, my lips and tongue start tingling a lot - to the point where I can hardly feel them. My heart beat gets crazier and I start to sweat. It comes on fast and furious at that point and I can easily sweat through a hoodie and a jacket as well as my jeans in minutes. The yawns progress to the point where I can hardly get a sentence out between them. The world starts to spin. I need to sit down.

What I really need to do is grab some juice.

Diabetes is a textbook disease made up of numbers. Dosages. Ratios. Units. Time.

Diabetes is often summarized on a piece a paper with pictures of people drinking water or looking pale and shaky. It comes with warnings that a person is in one of the two ends of the blood sugar spectrum and helpful suggestions about what to do.

Diabetes is all of those things. And it's none of those things.

Diabetes is the horror of waking up drenched in sweat and hardly able to reach the Dex 4s on your bedside table and wondering, through the haze, "what if I hadn't woken up?"

Diabetes is the fear of going back to sleep in case it happens again. And it's the feeling of isolation when you get to the pool the next morning, tired and shaken, and no one has any idea what you've been through and how scared you were...and how important it was to get up early anyway so diabetes doesn't win.

Diabetes is the horror of struggling to control a blood sugar of 25 with dose after dose of insulin and feeling that every minute you spend up in the clouds is another minute that diabetes is doing damage to your body. The only body you have. And diabetes is wondering if this high will be the high that puts me over the edge to the land of no return.

Diabetes is the fear of going low 1500m from shore during a triathlon swim and yet still getting in the water because the fear of letting diabetes dictate your life is greater than the fear of an open-water low.

Diabetes is squinting at the tiny air bubbles in your insulin tube, carefully priming to get them out, and then wondering if anyone will do that for you if your eyesight fails and you are no longer able to do that for yourself one day.

Diabetes is listening to people talk about other people with diabetes and all the horrible things happening to them...and refusing to let that stop you from trying to be healthy even though it's just so easy to give up and hand diabetes the reigns.

Diabetes is about doing the same thing, day after day after day, knowing it's only going to work half the time.

Diabetes is about finding a way to be proud of the fact that you test your blood sugar in public and have tubes coming out of you as you walk around the change room after your swim. Because the alternative is hiding and that's not an alternative you're willing to entertain.

Diabetes is all numbers and ratios and signs and symptoms on the outside.

On the inside, it's a never-ending battle between fear and courage. Between motivation and depression. Between the will to fight and the urge to throw in the towel.

Sometimes I'm the one on the left. Sometimes I'm the one on the right. 

Depends on the day. 

D-Blog Week Day 5 - Foods on Friday

Today is all about food. Specifically the food I ate yesterday. So y'all are getting a glimpse into a day in the life of Céline's stomach.

5:30am
I'm up and ready to run. My blood sugar was 4.6 so I ate two dates. Two fresh, plump, delicious medjool dates.

7:00am
Run done and breakfast is warmed up and ready for eatin'. My favourite breakfast these days is steel cut oats (cooked ahead of time and then put in the fridge in one-serving batches for easy heating). I warm them up with some almond milk (plain, unsweetened and fortified). Once heated, I toss it all into a bowl that already has 1/3 of a cup of All Bran buds ready and waiting. I stir it all together and then top with 1/2  of a banana (sliced), 3/4 cup of plain greek yogurt, 6 walnut halves broken up into bits and, when we have them, some berries on top. Yesterday there were several blackberries and raspberries adding some zip and colour.

12:30pm
Lunch time! I didn't eat anything between breakfast and lunch because a) my blood sugar was well-behaved and b) I was in meetings and it wasn't easy to snack. Lunch was leftover greek chicken salad (chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, olives, feta cheese, lemon juice and olive oil) topped with an avocado. I followed that up with 1 cup of kefir (delicious) and a small green apple.

3:00pm
Peanut butter chocolate chip Larabar (I was golfing at 4:30pm so this was my pre-golf snack)

6:45pm
9 holes of golf done and I was eating dinner at the golf course with the ladies I golf with on Thursdays. Dinner was the Urban Sombrero salad with flank steak on top. The salad is made up of quinoa, black beans, veggies and cilantro with a chipotle orange dressing. Topped with a few pieces of avocado. Oh, and a 9 oz. glass of red wine.

8:00pm
Home and settled in for another episode of Bloodline on Netflix. A frozen yogurt bar (chocolate fudge flavour) kept me company.

10:00pm
Rose buzzed. I was dropping. Two fig newtons later I was topped up and heading back to sleep.

And that, my friends, is what this T1osaur ate yesterday.

D-Blog Week Day 4 - Changes

Today's topic: changes.

Specifically, changes that we would like to see in the diabetes world or changes that we have been through since we were diagnosed.

Well the first thing that popped into my head when I read the topic was the change in attitude that I have experienced when it comes to insulin pumps.

Like most people, when I was first diagnosed, I started off on multiple daily injections (MDI). I had two different insulin pens (needles). One with long-acting insulin that I took in the morning and again at night. The other with fast-acting insulin that I took every time I ate something with carbs in it or when my blood sugar was high. And heaven help me if I mixed them up.

I did all of the calculations in my head (40 carbs for breakfast, 1 unit of insulin for every 8 grams of carbs = 5 units.  Plus perhaps an extra unit or two because my sugar is high. Or perhaps only 2.5 units because I'm going for a run etc etc).

When I first heard of the insulin pump, I had a visceral reaction to the very idea of it.

No!

My mother and I were having dinner together one night and she asked me why I was so opposed to the insulin pump. She had read about them and said they sounded like a good alternative. I said that I didn't want to have something attached to me all the time. She probed a bit more and, to the surprise and horror of both of us, I started crying. Right there in the restaurant.

See, years ago I had been in a nasty car accident and had to undergo some pretty major surgery that saved my life. I had a temporary colostomy which was successfully reversed a few months later. I thought I was over the ordeal but, when pushed about the pump, I suddenly realized why my reaction to it was so visceral. Having something attached to my body, that was somehow both on the outside and on the inside at the same time, reminded me too much of that really painful, difficult time. It fell into the category of 'colostomy' and I wanted nothing to do with it.

My mother understood and didn't ask again. I went on with my MDI routine.

I had not yet discovered the Diabetes Online Community (DOC). I did not know anyone else with diabetes. I certainly did not know anyone on the pump. Still, it was hard to avoid the information and posters I would see when I went to the Diabetes Centre. It took me a few more years before I would even consider a pump but I slowly opened up to the idea.

When I heard about a pump info session in my community, I took a deep breath and went.

Alone.

I tried on an infusion site. I wore it all day. I lay down on it, I put clothes over it. I bent and twisted and moved around and I realized that it was nothing like I thought it would be.

So I signed up and got a pump.

A pump that does all the insulin to carb calculations for me. And the pump actually remembers when I took my insulin and how many units I took in case I forget. And it tells me how much insulin is left in my system so I don't have to guess. And it lets me fine tune my insulin doses which makes all the sports I do much easier and safer.

It's not perfect and there are days when I curse having to be attached to something. But I don't think I would ever consider going back to MDI.

In fact I am the first person to promote insulin pumps. Anyone I talk to who is considering one gets gushing reviews from me - the girl who once cried in horror at the very thought of wearing one.

D-Blog Week Day 3 - Clean it Out

Today's topic challenges us to look for diabetes-related things that we are holding on to. It might be physical belongings or it might be emotional stuff that we can't seem to let go of. What are these things, why are we hanging on to them and what are we going to do about them?

Yesterday I struggled a bit with the blog topic and today I seem to be doing the same thing. 

In a physical sense, I really don't hang on to too much diabetes stuff. I have my diabetes cupboard where my supplies are stashed and there is usually a pretty good supply stashed. But I use it all and I feel better when there are weeks of back up stuff stashed in there because one just never knows when that pesky zombie apocalypse is going to hit. 

But other than having a good supply of things I use, I really don't have a lot of extra stuff kicking around for no reason. 

Oh wait, that might not be true. 

Actually, when I think about it, I may still have every single glucometer I have ever used tucked away on the bottom shelf of that diabetes cupboard. 

I may also have boxes of lancets for each of these devices that are still 3/4 full because, let's be honest here, you don't go through too many lancets when you only change them one per season. 

Oh dear. Now that I think about it, I may still have all of the start-up information for my Medtronic pump. The pump I used to use before I switched to Animas several years ago. 

And, since we're being honest here, I may also have gotten into the habit of saving the little pump plug thingie that I use when I am unhooking my pump for a shower. I keep one in the bathroom, two in my toiletry bag for when I'm traveling and a few in my swim bag for the pool. And then, for about 5 years, I used to toss every new one I got into a plastic bag in my diabetes cupboard, just in case. And when you consider that I get a new plug thingie every four days when I put in a new site, I have a lot of them. 

I'm proud to stay that, in the last year or so, I have stopped saving them. But I did post this picture a few years ago and it might be worth looking at it again. 

By the way, this is one of those gimmicky wine glasses that holds an entire bottle of wine in it. There are a lot of those plug thingies in there. 

Ok, so maybe I really do need to take a look at my diabetes cupboard and toss a few things out. 

As for emotional baggage that I am dragging around, since we are all being honest here, there is one thing that does make me kinda crazy. 

I am finding it increasingly difficult to respond respectfully to people who say things about diabetes (be it T1 or T2) that are ignorant or hurtful. Most of the time I am able to hold myself back because I know the person and I know that they are not saying these things to be hurtful, they just really don't understand. So instead of snapping at them, I try to patiently educate so that, hopefully, the next time they think something negative about diabetes, they hear my voice in their head saying "don't judge. Just don't. You have no idea and what you just said is very hurtful. If you're curious, ask the person. But for heaven's sake, don't judge." 

But I have to say that, after 12 years of this, there are days when it's really difficult to put on my nice girl pants...because what I really want to do is give them a good smack and say "oh for heaven's sakes, you have no idea what you're talking about, you are spreading negativity and you sound incredibly ignorant. So how about you stop spewing inaccurate information and making things worse for everyone."

Sigh. 

But you and I know that the second response does not make the world a better place. Only the first one does. 

And I'm all about making the world a better place. 

So while I am getting increasingly frustrated by the lack of accurate diabetes knowledge out there, I am also committed to changing that when I can. 

But let me tell you, there are days when I want to toss all of my pump plug thingies out and check to see if that wine glass really does hold an entire bottle. 

D-Blog Week Day 2 - Keep it to Yourself

For this second day of D-Blog week we were challenged to talk about some of the aspects of diabetes that we keep private. Those things that we don't blog about and those things we don't tell our family or our friends about.

This topic was a tough one for me because, to be honest, I had trouble thinking of something to write about.

My immediate thought was that I don't really keep diabetes-related things private. There are plenty of parts of my life that I never blog about but I don't tend to pull any punches when it comes to diabetes. The good the bad and the ugly bits of diabetes all take turns starring in my blog.

Then I told myself to think harder. That there must be something I don't share, some aspect about diabetes that, consciously or not, I don't share. I told myself that I just need to be really honest with myself and I'll find something.

I'm honest about my blood sugars. I write about the tough days, the emotional days, the easy days. I write about the scary moments and I write about the inspiring ones. I talk about the times when I'm angry at the diabetes gods and the times when we are getting along and can go out for drinks together.

Then it hit me.

I don't whine about diabetes.

I resolutely refuse to complain about anything to do with diabetes.

I think it's important to share the challenges but I try very hard to do it in either an entertaining or an informative way. I want others to learn from my adventures and I want people to find comfort in knowing that someone else out there gets it.

But I have no patience for people who complain for the sake of complaining. Complaining rarely makes anyone feel better and usually ends up dragging other people down. Complaining feels destructive rather than constructive.

So, no matter how I am feeling on any given day, about any diabetes-related situation, I won't complain about it, on my blog or to the people I care about.

Even on the toughest diabetes day, when the roller-coaster seems to be running non-stop, there is always something I can do to make it better. So while I might drop the odd f-bomb, I refuse to wallow and I refuse to stop trying.

D-Blog Week Day 1 - I Can...

I have had the honour of speaking in front of various groups about how I live my life with type 1 diabetes.

I usually start off by telling them my diagnosis story so that they know a bit more about who I am and where I am coming from.

Then I tell them the story of the day I decided to become a runner. I talk about the journey from that day to the day that I ran the Run for the Grapes half marathon.

And I tell them the very important lesson that I learned while on that journey.

Life is scary.

Diabetes is scarier.

And I live with diabetes every single day.

I talk about how diabetes is scary in the immediate sense when we have one of those awful lows that comes out of nowhere and scares us for days afterwards. And I talk about how diabetes is scary in the long term sense as we hear and read about those complications we might develop despite our best efforts to try to manage without a functioning pancreas.

I talk about how scary diabetes is and I talk about how brave we are because we deal with that fear every day.

And then I talk about how, since I started to look at life from that perspective, I started saying yes to things that scare me. Yes to cycling. Yes to swimming. Yes to trying a duathlon. Yes to trying a triathlon. Yes to doing motivational speeches in front of a room full of strangers. Yes to golf. Yes to golf tournaments. Yes to curling. Yes to curling bonspiels.

Life is scary.

Diabetes is scarier.

And I live with diabetes every single day.

Diabetes has helped make me so brave that I have said yes to things I would never have said yes to before. My life is richer and fuller now that it would ever have been if I had not been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 12 1/2 years ago.

So yes, you're damn right I can...

Here Comes D-Blog Week 2015

Next week is D-Blog week.

In fact, it's the 6th annual D-Blog week. 

And it's my 5th annual one. 

I missed the first one because I had not yet heard about the DOC, had not started my blog and really had no idea that anyone on the planet other than me actually had type 1 diabetes. 

Now I know that there are a whole bunch of us out there with more voices joining the choir every year. And as much as I would love it if type 1 diabetes did not exist, it does. And since it does, I sure am glad to be a member of such a lovely, vibrant, passionate group of people. 

D-Blog week, for those of you who don't know or remember, is a week of diabetes-related blogging. 

It goes something like this: 

A list of topics are given to us to write about. One for every day of the week, beginning next Monday. We write a blog about that topic and then we posts a link to our blog on the topics page. Anyone interested can click through the list of links and read blog after blog about the same topic written by different people all over the world. If you're interested in writing for, or reading blogs about, D-Blog week, go visit Karen over at Bitter-Sweet Diabetes. She's the wonderful host of this great event. 

It's a wonderful way to discover new blogs as well as rediscover ones I used to read and lost track of along the way. It's also a great way to challenge myself to write about topics I would not normally write about. 

So come back next Monday for the first instalment of Running on Carbs' D-Blog adventures. 

D-Blog Week Day 5 - Diabetes Life Hacks

It's day five already in D-Blog Week. It's going by way too fast!

Today we are supposed to talk about the fun or interesting tricks we have discovered along the way that make our diabetes management a little easier.

No medical advice of course.

Just little stuff we've figured out.

1. I love the thigh thing. That little black leg holster that I use when I'm wearing a dress and want to hide my pump. It sits 3/4 of the way up my thigh, the pump is tucked in, I can remote bolus as needed and no one is the wiser.

Tip: it does NOT work so well if you are wearing nylons. I did that a few weekends ago when I needed to be all dressed up. Instead of looking all ladylike in my outfit, I looked rather gauche as I tried to surreptitiously hike up my 'holster' every two minutes as it slid down my nylon-covered leg. It took away from my ability to look classy while offering friends glasses of champagne and plates of hors d'oeuvres. So don't wear it over nylons. And yes, it does come with a clip that is supposed to help secure it to your underwear. If anyone can figure out how to make that work while wearing nylons, let me know.

2. I have a rule that every time I wake up in the night to use 'the ladies', I must check my blood sugar. I've learned enough times that when I wake up at night, there is often a reason. Highs, lows, climbing, dropping. Sometimes I really just need to use the ladies but, for the extra 15 seconds it takes to check, it's worth it to avoid problems later. So I check. Problem is that I use a glucometer that does not light up in the right places. I can see the screen quite well but I cannot see the test strip and certainly can't line up the blood drop with the tip of the test strip without making a bloody mess (ha!).

Tip: I turn on my pump light and use that to light up the test strip. Put test strip in glucometer, prick finger, squeeze finger, turn on pump light, aim blood drop at test strip, blood is sucked in, glucometer beeps and pump light goes out. Easy peasy.

3. I have a waterproof pump now but it wasn't always that way. I also have Dexter who is not exactly waterproof. On long runs that are often sweaty and sometimes rainy, and during triathlons when everything I'm wearing is soaked through from the swim, I have learned to waterproof my not so waterproof equipment.

Tip: Before long runs, before rainy runs and certainly before triathlons, non-waterproof pumps can be wrapped in two layers of saran wrap and then tucked into a ziplock bag in order to protect it from the elements. Dexter is also a ziplock bag kinda traveller. Those little snack-sized bags are just perfect for fitting diabetes paraphernalia.

4. Glucometers freeze in cold weather. Long runs in the winter used to mean that I could not test my blood sugar for, sometimes, several hours.

Tip: carry the glucometer and test strips as close to your body as possible. If still frozen when you go to use it, use the ol' trick of putting it between your thighs and squeezing tight. It's just about the warmest part of the body, especially while running, so it only take a few seconds to warm that puppy up enough to test. It falls in the category of 'not particularly classy' but runners do all sorts of bizarre and not so classy things so no one even looks twice.

5. Electrolytes are a great thing to have during long periods of exercise. Many people bring electrolyte drinks with them on long runs and bike rides and sip as needed. Unfortunately, the drinks usually have a lot of carbs which is fine when the diabetes gods are behaving but not so fine when they're not. I have learned the hard way that carrying a water belt loaded down with liquid that you can't actually drink because you're high is the very definition of frustrating. Not to mention dehydration-inducing.

Tip: use an electrolyte drink that does not contain any carbs (ex. Nuun). Carry a solid form of electrolyte (ex Edisks) that you can take as needed or not take as needed. That way you can drink when you want to, not just when the diabetes gods tell you that you can.


Links to other people's tips and tricks can be found here. 

D-Blog Week Day 4 - Mantras and More

Yesterday's D-Blog Week challenge was to talk about what brings us down about diabetes. Today's D-Blog Week challenge is to write about how we get through a tough diabetes moment, tough day or overall tough time. Are there mantras we fall back on? Other tricks we use?

I read once in a running magazine that a lot of elite runners have mantras that they repeat over and over again to themselves when things get tough. They use this to focus, to move beyond the pain and to find a way to keep moving forward.

After reading the article I decided to try it. I picked something I thought wasn't too hokey since I already felt kinda silly about the whole idea. I settled on "You've got this".

I headed out for a long tough run and, when I got to the big hill more than 2/3 of the way through the run, I started to struggle. I immediately said "you got this" and continued to repeat it, timing each word to go along with each pounding step I took.

It worked! And I made it up the hill fairly easily. I was impressed. These mantra things are pretty cool!

Problem is that I'm not really a mantra kinda girl. So I forget to do it when things get tough. Or I start doing it but get distracted by how tough it is and forget to keep the mantra going. Or I am already struggling up the hill so trying to focus on getting up the hill AND repeating a mantra seems like more work than it's worth.

So I can tell you that mantras work because I tried one once and it did. I can also tell you that I don't use them.

When it comes to getting through a tough diabetes time, I've learned to ride it like a wave.

When I was a kid, we used to go to a water park that had one of those wave pools. The pool would be lovely and calm and then, all of a sudden, the alarm would go off and then wave after rolling wave would start at one end and move across to the other end.

The first time I was in there, I had a complete panic. I did not know what was happening and, although the pool was full, there was no one with me that I knew. I fought the waves, I choked, I sputtered, I finally made it to the side and grabbed on to the edge when the wave brought me high enough. Then I was stuck hanging there looking rather foolish when the wave passed by and the water dropped. My entire body was out of the water for a few seconds and I was too afraid to let go. Wave after wave battered me while I hung on for dear life until the alarm sounded again and the waves stopped. I fell back into the now calm water and sheepishly scuttled away.

The second time I went in the wave pool, I refused to panic. Instead I let myself float on top of the water as the waves rolled by. It was hard to keep calm but, after the first few waves passed, I realized that I would be ok. I might be afraid and I might not really like it but I would be just fine if I stayed calm.

That's how I have learned to handle most tough situations in my life. When I'm sad, I don't fight the waves of sadness, I let the tears flow and then, when they're done, they're done. When I'm angry, I work through the anger, say what I need to say, and then I'm done. When diabetes pisses me off or frustrates me, I let myself be frustrated or pissed off. I stomp my feet and utter a handful of swear words as needed.

But I don't stay there any longer than I need to.

Because as much as it's cathartic sometimes to scream and cry and let the emotions run wild, it's not a healthy place to stay. For me or for anyone else around me.

So I go back to the happy, calm, life-loving person that I prefer to be and get on with my day.

You've got this.

Links to other blogs about today's topic can be found here is you're interested. Go ahead and click - there are lots of great stories being posted by some pretty amazing folks. 

D-Blog Week Day 3 - What Brings Me Down

Today's D-Blog Week challenge is in honour of Mental Health Month. We are tasked with writing about the emotional side of diabetes and how we cope with it all.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have felt sad about diabetes. I can probably use the other five fingers to count the number of times I have felt depressed by it. 

Those are not emotions that resonate with me when it comes to my diabetes. 

The emotions that I struggle with when I'm having a hard moment, a hard afternoon or, heaven forbid, a hard day are: 

frustration

and 

anger

"How dare you! How DARE you! HOW DARE YOU!!" 

"How dare you keep me up half the night with ridiculously high blood sugars for no apparent reason when you know full well I wanted to get up early to go swimming. Go swimming to help keep YOU happy so that my blood sugars will be better behaved. Instead, I skip my swim, stay in bed for another 90 minutes and still head to work looking like death and feeling like hell" 

Asshole. 

"How dare you ruin my run. How dare you behave predictably week after week, long run after long run and then, for no apparent reason, decide to send my blood sugars skyrocketing on one random Saturday morning run. You make me take insulin on a run even though it scares me to bolus during exercise. You make me drink all of my water when I'm still 10k from home and it's not enough to handle the dehydration. In fact, I am so dehydrated that I have to go into a stranger's yard and beg them for water so that I can make it home in one piece. Because that's not embarrassing. Because that's not frustrating. Because if I had known you were in such a pissy mood I would have stayed in bed instead of heading out to run 20k and having to walk half of it."

Asshole.

"How dare you force me to eat hundreds of useless calories because you decided that I was going to be low all day no matter what I did. How dare you do it on a day when I am outside, away from home and grocery stores so that I am forced to consume bag after bag of fruit chews. Which have zero nutritional value, empty calories AND make me feel like dirt after having eaten 8 bags of them in one afternoon? Why was I so low? No logical reason that I could figure out." 

Asshole. 

"How dare you rear your ugly head during intimate moments. How dare you make me afraid to walk down the aisle and stand next to my sister at her wedding because I don't want to have a low, embarrass myself and distract from her moment. How dare you frighten my parents by giving me a terrible low the one time, THE ONE TIME, I ever left the house without any form of sugar on me, forcing my father to sprint to the nearest store for juice while my mother sat beside me and watched helplessly."

Asshole. 

Living with diabetes is kinda like working with a colleague who, if you let them, will drive you to hurl yourself off the roof of the building or come in one day carrying a loaded weapon with a mad look in your eye. 

The only way to survive diabetes is to find a way to work together. 

Most days, I can do that quite well thank you very much. I'm good at ignoring things that annoy me and tuning out the noises I don't want to hear. I'm good at feeding the lion so that he stays quiet in his cage. 

Sometimes though I lose my shit for a few minutes. I cry at the kitchen counter out of sheer frustration. I rail against the gods because sometimes I try so hard and it doesn't seem to matter one whit. These moments usually happen in the evening when I'm tired and they usually end with me curling up in bed wrapped up in warm, loving arms and falling asleep with tears still hanging on my eyelashes. 

I wake up in the morning to a pair of slightly worried but lovely blue eyes looking at me. 

"How do you feel this morning baby?"

And I don't even have to pretend. 

"Better, thanks" I say with a smile. 

Ready to take on the world again.

(The links to other writers' D-Blog posts for today can be found here)

D-Blog Week Day 2 - Poetry

Today's D-Blog Week challenge: compose a bit of poetry about diabetes.

*sigh* poetry is not my strength. 

But diabetes is all about pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones so here goes nothing.

We get stronger 

It scares me
I pretend that it doesn't
It hurts sometimes
I try not to flinch
I have been doing this for 4,148 days now
You would think it would be easy

But it's not

It motivates me
I don't let it become an excuse
It stays in full view
I wear my pump with pride
I have been doing this for 4,148 days now
You would think it gets easier

But it doesn't

We just get stronger




(Psst! The links to other posts for today's D-Blog Week topic can be found here. )

D-Blog Week Day 1 - Change the World

It's hard to believe that it's D-Blog week again.

Already.

This is D-Blog week's fifth birthday and it is the fourth year that I've been participating. I missed the first year because, back then, I didn't even know that the Diabetes Online Community existed. Something I find hard to imagine now after four years of being an active participant.

The idea of D-Blog week is for diabetes bloggers in all shapes and forms to write about the same topic. Each day we get a different topic to write about. We all post a link to our blog here and then we can read all sorts of different perspectives on the same topic. It's great. I have enjoyed writing about most of the topics presented and I love finding new bloggers out there.

So Happy Birthday D-Blog week. I'm looking forward to celebrating all week.

Today's topic is 'Change the World' and it challenges us to write about any topic that we might be passionate about when it comes to diabetes.

I don't really have one diabetes passion.

I think I have two.

Both have to do with teaching people, myself included.

The first thing that really gets me excited is talking to diabetes educators about what it's like to be on my side of the table. Talking to them about what it's like during the other 364.5 days of the year when I'm not sitting in their office getting state of the art diabetes support.

I have had two opportunities now to speak to a group of diabetes educators and both were wonderful experiences. I talked about the darker side of diabetes and stressed the important role that the Diabetes Online Community plays in many people's lives. Both presentations ended with a ton of questions from the audience which was great. But I think my favourite part was watching their eyes tear up when I talked about some of the very real fears that we have to wrestle with every day. And then watching their eyes light up when I gave them some ideas about how to make the most of the small amount of time we do get to spend with them every year.

I would LOVE to do more talks like that.

The other thing I'm really passionate about is showing others, as well as myself, that diabetes is the best damn motivator there is.

Diabetes, if you let it, can be overwhelming, depressing and scary.

Diabetes, if you let it, can also be the motivation you need to try new things, rid your life of the negative stuff and say yes to adventures.

Diabetes can make us afraid or diabetes can give us courage.

It's our choice.

It's a choice that can't be made once. It is one that we need to make every day. The second we wake up. Even if we wake up shaky and sweaty at 3am or wake up dry-mouthed and super high when the alarm goes off.

Most days, I make the choice to be brave and strong. To say yes to new things and to keep the negative stuff at arm's length

Some days I don't do that as well as I'd like.

But my passion to show others that it can be done is what motivates me to do it myself.

And every day is a new day.

How will you face today?

Diabetes Blog Week: Day Six - Diabetes Art

A toast to 10 1/2 years of Type 1 and 4 1/2 years of pumping. 

Diabetes Blog Week: Day Five - Freaky Friday

Just like in the movie, today we’re doing a swap. If you could switch chronic diseases, which one would you choose to deal with instead of diabetes? And while we’re considering other chronic conditions, do you think your participation in the DOC has affected how you treat friends and acquaintances with other medical conditions?

Well, my first thought when I read this topic was 'seriously?'. 

Then I decided to play along and think seriously about trading chronic diseases. I even googled chronic diseases to see what my options where. 

Some of the fun things that popped up were: 

- Crohn's disease

- epilepsy

- rheumatoid arthritis

- muscular sclerosis

- schizophrenia 

- ulcerative lupus 

- alzheimer's

- celiac disease 

- grave's disease

- fibromyalgia

ummm, no thanks. 

Let's be honest, I wouldn't pick type one diabetes off the list either but I have it and have made my peace with it. Even more, I have managed to turn it into an ally who takes me on adventures and helps me make memories. 

But seriously, would I give it back if I could? Hell yes. 

I know at least one person who puts a real face to each of the chronic diseases listed above. Family members, friends, co-workers and people I support. None of those diagnoses are easy to live with nor are they diseases they would have chosen. Each person faced their diagnosis bravely, with tears in their eyes. Each of them has great days and days where they wish they could make it all go away. 

I would only trade my diabetes for one thing and that is a cure. Otherwise, as my grandmother says, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. 

Diabetes Blog Week: Day Four - Accomplishments Big and Small

We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you've made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small - think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.).

Diabetes kicks my ass most days - not with crazy blood sugars but like an over-eager coach. 

Get up! Keep running! Push to the top of the hill! Don't give up, you only have 50m left to swim!!

Before diabetes, my exercise routine was half-hearted and sporadic. Step class at the Y was about as crazy as it got. Sometimes I even lifted some weights. 

Then I was diagnosed and the fear of long-term complications set in. Once I moved past the crippling fear, I found myself in the motivational fear zone and I decided that I wanted to be as healthy as I could so that diabetes would have a tough time catching me. 

I started small and it wasn't easy but I kept pushing and working at getting healthy and strong and fit. 

Ten years later, I am not the woman I was and I am pretty proud of the woman I have become. So, I'm going to take advantage of today's blog topic and brag a wee bit. 

Thanks to diabetes I have: 

Run

Boxing day ten-miler - twice

Twin Cities ten miler

St. Catharines Run for the Grapes half marathon - three times (2008, 2009, 2010)

Ottawa half marathon (2009)

Cleveland Rock and Roll Hall of Fame half marathon (2010)

Grimbsy half marathon (2011)

Niagara Falls Women's half marathon (2012)

Niagara Falls half marathon (2012)

Tel Aviv half marathon (2013)

Around the Bay (10k relay (2009), 15k relay (2010) and the whole 30k run (2011))

Completed three duathlons (Welland - twice (2010, 2011) and Grimsby (2011)

Completed three triathlons (Welland, Grimsby and Guelph - all in 2012)

I think the look on my face here say it all. Diabetes gives me the determination I need to meet just about any challenge head on. 

I think my greatest diabetes accomplishment is learning how to use diabetes as a motivator rather than an excuse. 

Diabetes Blog Week: Day Three - Memories

Today's topic: Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share.

I am a photographer. I am a blogger. My memories are sometimes captured in words. Sometimes in pictures. Today, it's pictures. Pictures of me living life with my pump on my hip or pictures of me and my DOC friends. 

They are not in any particular order as you will notice from my ever-changing hair length. 

And I refuse to conform to the request to focus on just one memory. There are so many wonderful ones to chose from!

The day my friend Erin (hi Erin!) convinced me to take my glass of red wine for a walk down the street just to prove that Céline would indeed do something she was not supposed to do. 

The final stretch of the Niagara Falls half marathon last fall. 

The best race finish ever - wearing my Medtronic Global Heroes singlet with Doug at my side. 

Meeting the famous Scott and both of us in hysterics within minutes. Dude, you totally need to move to Canada so we can hang out more. It's warmer here by the way...

Jeff and Scully, two of my diabesties. 

Unhooking my pump before heading to the start line of the Guelph triathlon last September. 

The Run for the Grape half marathon. The second time I ran it back in 2009. 

Bolus-worthy? 

On our cycling trip last summer. My pump is tucked in my back pocket for the ride. 

Just before we boarded the plane and enjoyed a tour of Niagara with Doug as our pilot. 

There is no pump in this picture but there is a man that I kinda have a big crush on. He's my type awesome and makes memories extra special. 

Oh, not much, just hanging out with Kerri and Scully

Waterproofed and ready to race. 

My life is rich in adventures and memory-making moments. Diabetes is the impetus for some of them, the cause of some of them and, for the rest, it just comes along for the ride. 

Diabetes-Blog Week: Day Two - We, the Undersigned

Today's topic: Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let's pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) - get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change?

We, the undersigned, petition the diabetes gods for a day of rest. 

Rationale: diabetes is omnipresent and diabetes management is relentless, taking a toll on everyone involved. 

Specifics: we request that you consider our petition for one 24-day out of seven to be diabetes-free. The day must be consistent every week so that we know what to expect and when to expect it. There must be no extra punishment on the six diabetes days. And rest days must be granted to everyone with diabetes, no matter their A1C, their carb-counting skills or the frequency of their blood glucose testing. 

Diabetes Blog Week: Day One - Share and Don't Share

Today's D-Blog Week topic: Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see?

When I blog, I write to an unknown audience. I regularly get about 200 hits per day on my blog. And yet I get comments from the same handful of people. Occasionally someone I don't know will post something but, otherwise, I have no real idea who is reading what I'm writing. 

I imagine other athletes are reading about my adventures the same way I read about theirs. I imagine that people with type 1 diabetes who are looking for information, support, new ideas or perhaps a bit of motivation visit my blog. In my more paranoid moments I imagine that Assistive Devices (the people who help cover the cost of my pump supplies) reads my blog to see if I change my infusion sites as often as I should. 

I also imagine, and secretly hope, that members of my medical team read my blog. I want them to and then I want them to click on my blogroll and read other blogs. Why? Because in the 15 minutes I spend in their office, I am a patient. I want them to see me as more than my diagnosis and more than the numbers in my logbook. I want them to know about the frustrating crazy rabbit diabetes days. I want them to know about the perfect blood sugar 20k run. I want them to know about the amount of time I spend training to run, bike and swim and the amount of time and energy I put into being healthy. 

I want them to know about the other amazing bloggers out there who are pushing the limits of what we are supposed to be able to do. I want them to read about the crazy contraptions and creative solutions people find to deal with diabetes challenges. I want them to know how scared people get before their appointments. How stressed they are and how a supportive, encouraging, non-judgemental medical team can make all the difference. 

I would love to know that my medical team starts their days by reading blogs written by members of the DOC. That they discuss interesting ones over lunch and talk about what they can say and how they can best support people based on what they read. And I would love it even more if they told other people they support about the DOC and encouraged them to find support there too. 

What I don't want them to know? 

I don't want them to know that I change my lancet about as often as I change the batteries in my smoke alarms. 

I don't want them to know that I fall back to sleep most night before I retest my blood sugar after a low. 

I don't want them to know that I get excited when I could drag my insulin and infusion sites out for a full seven days. 

But I guess if I want them to read my blog every day, fair is fair. They're going to get the good, the bad and the non-compliant. 

I'm ok with that. 

Fourth Annual Diabetes Blog Week

Next week is going to be a little different here at Running on Carbs.

Next week is D-Blog week!

Yay!!

This is the fourth year of D-Blog week and the third year I've taken part. The way it works is that there is a topic every day that I will have to write a post about. Other bloggers in the Diabetes Online Community (DOC) will also be writing about the same topic.

We can then hop around from blog to blog reading different people's perspectives on the same topic.

It is a great way to meet new bloggers and learn new things, diabetes related and otherwise.

So if my blogs seem a little random and not typical Running on Carbs, don't worry.

It's all part of the plan.

Bonus: I have to post on Saturday and Sunday next week too so there will be plenty of reading.

D-Blog Week Day 6: Saturday Snapshots

The best laid plans of mice and man often go awry.

One of my favourite quote of all time - partly because it's from Of Mice and Men and partly because it is just such an accurate summary of my life.

We are supposed to post diabetes-related photos today and my original plan was to photograph a day in the life of an insulin pump. The plan worked beautifully until I headed out the door for work and then all went awry. It was a day was full of meetings which made it difficult to photograph my pump adjusting for lunch and blousing for larabars. My post-work run got postponed so photos of my pump preparing for a 7k didn't materialize either.

So a day in the life of an insulin pump has been abridged to a morning in the life of an insulin pump. You take what you can get so join me and Mr. Pump on our morning routine.

Good morning Mr Pump! (morning walks from the bed to the washroom are always a juggling act as I try to carry my pump, my glucometer, my iPhone and my water bottle in one trip)

Shower time. Mr. Pump enjoys a brief reprieve before jumping headfirst into the day. Sometimes he sits on the bathroom counter, other times he perches on the computer desk in the office. Either way, I'm sure he enjoys the downtime. 

As mentioned in a post a few months back, I have to prime my pump every single time I take it off. Whether it's off for ten minutes or ninety minutes, he always gets an air bubble in the tube which needs to be evicted. Hence the morning prime routine and the insulin droplet.

The post-shower hookup. Mr Pump spends 90% of his time on my belt and we don't like to be apart for long so he gets reattached as soon as the belt gets buckled. 

Ready for work and whatever the world is going to throw at us. Mr. Pump is like my seeing eye dog - he sits patiently through meeting after meeting, emergency after emergency, and only lets out the occasional little boop-beep-boop to remind me he's there and working hard to keep me alive.