When the world says "give up", hope says "try one more time"
I'm getting pretty good at picking myself up, dusting myself off and re-jigging my plans.
I hoped to run 10k last night.
I ran 6k instead. Things were tight and sore. I pushed a bit beyond the 5k from Monday but listened to my body telling me not to push any further.
I am no longer running 35k this weekend. I have set my sights on 25k next weekend but am prepared to give that up too if I need to.
I'm holding on to Niagara Falls as tightly as I can but I'm starting to feel it slip through my fingers. Not because I'm being pessimistic. Not because I'm giving up. Just because I'm being realistic, listening to my body. It's telling me that it's going to keep trying but not making any promises.
I'm not angry or upset about it. My body and I are a team. We've been through hell together and I don't ever chastise it when it doesn't do what I want it to. I just ask what I can do to help.
After my run I headed upstairs to shower and was thinking about all the options re race day. Run, don't run, downgrade to a half, stay home and wallow, ride the route on my bike and carry Scully's water bottle, cheer on my friends who are facing their own demons, stalk my running friends with my camera to capture their big day...
Suddenly, while weighing the options, that little hopeful voice that had been sitting back listening piped up. Well, if you're not ready for Niagara Falls, perhaps there's another marathon a few weeks later that you could be ready for...?
It's an amazing thing.
Who knows if I can run any sort of race this fall. Part of me is devastated at the thought. Part of me really doesn't care. I ran the distance, I survived the training and I am stronger better and faster than I was in June. That alone should be enough.
Some days it is enough.
Other days, it isn't.
This injury will heal itself eventually and there will be other races to be run.
Hope is a funny thing. Some people have tons of it. I'm one of those people. Always look on the bright side is my kinda song. I see the positive in everything and live life accordingly.
I know lots of people who have a lot of trouble with hope. With seeing the silver lining rather than the clouds. With picking themselves up when they fall.
I don't understand them any more than they understand me. I've been thrown plenty of curve balls in my life - divorce, car accident, diabetes - I've never done anything other than face them head on. I don't know how to curl up and hope it goes away.
I live what's given.
No matter what happens on the 23rd of October - I'll be able to say I did my best.