Day 4: Things I Hate About You, Diabetes *Repost*

Something crazy happened in Bloggerville and all sorts of posts from May 11th were lost. I'm reposting yesterday's blog in case anyone missed it.  Funnily enough, it's one of the only blogs I have saved since I usually just type write into Blogger.

I have been dreading writing this post since I read it on the topic list last week. I never think of Diabetes as something other than just another part of my life. Yes, I get frustrated and yes, I get scared. But I adamantly refuse to waste time focusing on what I don’t like about Diabetes. It already takes up too much of my time and life is too short to hate anything. That being said, I will try…

1. I don’t like that the fact that I’m diabetic scares some people. I hate seeing the look in someone’s eye when I say my sugar is low. No matter how calmly I might say it, there are some people who seem to think I’m going to collapse in a heap in front of them. I’m not. Relax and just pass me some juice.

2. I resent how much money I spend to stay healthy. I want to be able to sign up for a race, get my hair cut or just buy a bottle of red wine without having to double check that I can afford it. I want to be able to save money. I want to have something left over after the bills are paid. I don’t. Way too much of my money goes to diabetes.

3. I want to walk barefoot outside all summer. I loved doing that as a kid and prided myself on how tough my feet got by the end of the summer. I could walk across the gravel driveway without a flinch. Now I keep my feet protected in sensible shoes all the time.

4. I can’t go for a run, even a short one, without it being a production. Must adjust insulin, must check sugar, must carry emergency glucose supply with me. Sometimes, I just want to go for a run in a t-shirt and shorts, no water belt, no snacks stuffed into pockets and no prescribed time or distance. Just run. I have never done that. Not once.

5. Eating when I’m not hungry sucks. Eating when I’m already stuffed from a huge dinner sucks big time. Eating when nauseous is just plain nauseating. I don’t like having to eat when I don’t want to.

6. Even less fun is wanting to eat but discovering a surprisingly high blood sugar and having to wait for it to go down first. My favourite thing in the world to have after a long run is a glass of chocolate milk. A post run high = no chocolate milk for me = not happy.

7. There is a part of me that spends every waking moment trying to figure out how I’m feeling. Not emotionally but physically. I can’t let my guard down. Watching a movie, watching the elite runners race to the finish line at the Boston marathon, giving a speech or making love. It’s hard to be 100% in the moment because a small part of me is constantly assessing and reassessing how I’m feeling. Am I high? Am I low? Climbing? Dropping?

8. One several occasions, I have told someone that I have diabetes and heard “oh, but I thought you were healthy”. I AM healthy damn it. Healthier than lots of people out there who have no chronic diseases. Go for a run with me, cycle up the Niagara Escarpment with me and then see what pops into your head. Diabetes? Probably not. Fit, healthy girl with strong legs - I would hope so.

9. Not knowing if what I’m feeling is me or just the diabetes is frustrating sometimes. Am I really upset about something or is my sugar just misbehaving and making me feel like I am? Am I tired and in need of a nap or is my sugar dropping? I second-guess emotions because I can’t be sure that they’re really mine.

10. I hate that I can actually think of nine things that I don’t like about Diabetes. But I do take comfort in the fact that it took me two days to come up with them. That must mean that I’m not too angry and bitter…right?